Hello Again

Well here I am again. I told myself I would blog more and obviously this personal blog hasn’t gotten much action lately. I’ve started another blog, Be Awesome Instead! and it’s dedicated to only positive posts. I figured that I can use it to only post things that are positive and make me smile. It would be cool if it became this great big popular blog but of course I don’t see that happening. LOL I guess that BAI is my positive blog and this one is my negative :-p Okay this one is supposed to just be my personal blog.

Hmm so whats Happening lately?

Work is okay. I’m getting really upset with myself because my supervisor has told me I am one of the best reps in the call center but due to my stupid attendance I’m not eligible for any of the great promotions that they had available. I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I know I did it to myself I just…I don’t know. It was hard to come to work and get out of bed. I was in a major funk and I don’t know why. Well I guess I do know why. The other parts of my life are a bit stressful.

My mom is losing her job. GemsTV is closing in May and I am worried for her. She already has several job opportunities so I am sure she’ll be fine but it is hard seeing her so sad because she is usually such a positive upbeat gal. Then, to top things off, a few weeks before she found out she was losing her job she had an eye doctor appointment and he said that she has no periphial vision in her right eye and it is most likely a problem in her brain due to head trauma or cancer. I’m hoping for head trauma because at least it won’t get any worse and we already know how that was caused. If it’s cancer…oh God I don’t know what I’d do. She’s my bestfriend.

Poppop, my grandpa isn’t doing well at all. His bone cancer is tearing him apart. He used to be the toughest guy I’ve ever bet, not to mention the neatest guy. Now, he can barely walk around and his house is a mess. It’s killing me to see him like this. Sometimes I wish that he would just go because I feel like he’d be out of pain and he’d be in Heaven with my grandma. Then I feel selfish for thinking that way because a tiny part of me just doesn’t want to have to see him like this.

Friends have been an interesting issue lately. Well, one friend really. She basically told me she can’t handle being around me because I am too sad all the time. Well, my grandpa is dying and my mom is going though hell. Get the eff over it. I feel like if a “friend” can’t be there for you when you’re at your worst they they obviously aren’t your friends at all. Its a hard realization to come to but sometimes you just have to toss the negative things out in order to better yourself.

Bobby and I are really good. We’ve been together almost five years now. I love him now more than ever. Sometimes I wish that we could go back to that great happy honeymoon phase but of course as time goes on things never stay like that. He’s still a great man. He treats me better than I deserve and he loves me unconditionally.

I’m still in a bit of a funk. I need to change things in my life. Obviously my weight, my attitude, my everything. I just don’t know where to begin. Sometimes I find it really hard to get out of bed in the morning. The medication I’m not just doesn’t work like it used to. I’m seeing a hypnotherapist now so hopefully that will help me. I don’t really have anything to be miserable about. Sure, I have things to worry about but the rest of my life is good. I just need to focus on that I suppose.

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