Sleepless Nights

Lately sleep has been so elusive. I try not to think so much but I can’t turn off my minds ramblings. Lately, the only time I can fall asleep without staring at the ceiling for hours is if I take a sleeping pill. I’m not so depressed anymore but I know that I am worrying about things I shouldn’t worry about. My mind keeps thinking about all kinds of things. Cleaning my house or craft projects that I want to do or even things I just want to buy. I used to be able to meditate to calm myself down and relax but I haven’t been able to do that in years.

However, recently I think that I have changed a bit inside. I can’t really say what kind of change that might be. I’ve actually enjoyed cleaning my house lately. Now that is really a shocker. I hated cleaning. I think that I just want to appreciate what I have because honestly, I have it really good. Sometimes life gets frustrating but more often than not, it’s pretty damn good.

I think this blog is just going to be my personal diary. I’m not going to make it private or anything but I don’t think I’m going to actively advertise it to my friends and family. Sometimes you just need a place to vent without having to worry that someone is going to read it and be offended.

That’s one thing that is getting to me. I fee l like if I share my feelings with certain friends or family they take it to be an insult. These people have known me for many years and should know by now that I would rather be blunt and honest than sugar coat things. If someone asks me for advice I feel that I should be honest, unfortunately, with some people, if they don’t like the advice I have to give, they just get angry and take it as an attack on them. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t want the truth. Maybe I should make a t-shirt that says that.

I recently found a blog by a friend of a friend. She’s documenting her preparations for her trip across the country. She’s selling all her possessions and just hitting the road with no destination in mind and no time frame. The first thing that I noticed about this is that she is an incredible writer. I can’t imagine having her talent with words and not actually using it for something more than a personal blog. It is absolutely amazing. The second thing I admire is that she is my age (early twenties) and she’s leaving her friends, family, and entire life to take this incredible journey of discovery. I wish I had to means, or even the nerve to do something like that.

Sometimes I wish that I were single so that I could just take off and find myself. I love my boyfriend, and I’m glad I’m with him. Don’t get me wrong. I just wish I had done more with my life before settling down. I don’t feel like he holds me back at all, I just feel like I didn’t do anything worthwhile before him. He is truly amazing, I wish I had more to offer him. I had a dream the other night that he woke up one morning and decided that the two of us should sell everything and take off. It turned into this great adventure for us. But, he’s much too responsible for that. Of course, that’s a good thing. I can talk all I want about hitting the road but I’d never do it I’m sure, even if I were single. I’m too comfortable with my life to leave it. Besides, I would miss my mom and, as much as I love my boyfriend, we’d drive each other bonkers on the road non-stop.

God, I hope that this is the start of something new. Just writing this one blog was kind of cathartic. I always tell myself I will blog and write more but I never do. Maybe this is the beginning of something great. I want to document my journey to becoming a better person, inside and out. My internal road trip if you will.

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