Photography and My Life

I’ve been looking at DeviantArt again and I’d really like to get interested into photography again.  I kind of wish I could just take a photography class but that is so expensive.  I could get college credit for it but I don’t know if my grandpa would like paying for it just because I want to take photography.  When I was going to take it originally it was okay because I was talking other classes at the same time.   I just looked at the class scheudle for Fall 2010 and there is a class on Fridays from 9am till 1:30pm which would be perfect because I am off on Fridays and I could take Bobby to work and then go to class.

I feel like I need to start doing something. I think this would be a good start.  I honestly have no idea what my grandpa would say if I told him I wanted to just take a photography class.  In high school photography was my favorite class and I was really good at it but as I got older I just didn’t continue with it because I didn’t have the money to pay to develop film and by the time I got a decent digital camera I lose my oompf for it.  I think it would be amazing to become a professional photographer. However, I’m sure that everyone important to me would think it was ridiculous.  I’ve always loved photography but I know I’m not any good at it anymore.

*sigh* I guess I should stop my self loathing and just get over it.  I think I’ll just ask my mom and see what she thinks about me asking my grandpa to pay for a photography class.

Wish me luck.

What is the most important thing you could do right now?

So I saw this question at Keeps Me Thinking.

I think the most important thing for me right now is to get serious about my job.  That counts as my personal life right?

I feel that if I get my ass in gear and start going to work on a regular basis a few other things will fall into place as well.  It will be easier to get back on track for my diet if I am at work and not sitting at home all day.  Needless to say, my paychecks will be bigger so I will be able to pay my bills and be comfortable financially.  I also think staying home usually has a way of screwing with my emotions.

As I’ve said many times before, I know that I can get a promotion, the only thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t go to work.  The thing I am most unhappy about at work is my position taking calls all day.  If I just go to work that will change!

So going to work is the most importing thing I can do right now in my personal life.

Where am I going?

Once again I have been thinking about my future.

Am I going to work in entry level positions in a call center my entire life? I don’t mind my job, but I know I can’t do this forever. I wouldn’t mind working in a call center, so long as I get past the whole “taking calls” part. One promotion could get me away from that. I don’t mind call centers but I’d prefer something else.

What? I have no idea. More and more I have been thinking about going back to school but I’m not smart enough. I know I can’t work and go to school, even to take one class. I get overwhelemed so easily. I should have just finished school instead of going to work right out of high school.

I wish I could go back now. If I were smarter with my money then I might have had the chance. I don’t need to pay for school, my grandpa has that covered, but financially, I haven’t saved anything. Just another thing I’ve messed up I guess.

What the heck am I doing?!

My check for the last two weeks was $206. Why so little? It’s not because I get paid minimum wage, it’s because I’m a big fat lazy bum. Anytime I could I avoided work or left early. I didn’t have any good reasons, I just felt like it. I walked home, laid on the couch, watched reruns of iCarly and That 70’s Show, and played Farmville. Okay so I like to relax a lot but usually I’m not THAT lazy!

Of course since I’ve been at home so much being lazy, my diet has been shot to hell. Yuck. I need to get going again.

It’s 12:27am and I should be sleeping but I know that when I fall asleep I will wake up and have to go to work. Not sleeping now is just going to make tomorrow worse because I’ll be tired. I don’t hate my job, it’s ok, I just always feel like I’d rather be doing anything else. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much lately. I really wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I don’t want to work in call centers forever, I think I’d go insane.

Again and again

I’m off work tomorrow and I will be spending the day with my mom. She’ll be picking me up bright and early so we can walk around the Sparks Marina. I know it’s over a mile, I think it might actually be two miles, whatever it is I hope it gets me back in gear. I did so well last week, I don’t want that all to go to waste just because I had a bad this week!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future the past few days. I think this was brought on by my high school BFF giving birth to her second beautiful baby. She’s freshly 25, now has two adorable kiddos, a great husband, and just bought her first house. So many people around me are getting great new jobs, getting married, buying houses, and having babies. Sometimes I wonder if boyfriend and I will ever be married. We’ve been together 5 years in July. We’ve been together longer then all our couple friends except one, and they’ve been married 3 years! I know that we shouldn’t get married until we are ready but it’s hard to keep waiting. I don’t want to marry him just because I want a wedding, I want to marry him because I want to spend my life with him. I just feel like he is too comfortable with where we are. I never used to think that this phrase applied to me but I guess he doesn’t have to bother buying the cow since he gets the milk for free…

Hello Again

Well here I am again. I told myself I would blog more and obviously this personal blog hasn’t gotten much action lately. I’ve started another blog, Be Awesome Instead! and it’s dedicated to only positive posts. I figured that I can use it to only post things that are positive and make me smile. It would be cool if it became this great big popular blog but of course I don’t see that happening. LOL I guess that BAI is my positive blog and this one is my negative :-p Okay this one is supposed to just be my personal blog.

Hmm so whats Happening lately?

Work is okay. I’m getting really upset with myself because my supervisor has told me I am one of the best reps in the call center but due to my stupid attendance I’m not eligible for any of the great promotions that they had available. I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I know I did it to myself I just…I don’t know. It was hard to come to work and get out of bed. I was in a major funk and I don’t know why. Well I guess I do know why. The other parts of my life are a bit stressful.

My mom is losing her job. GemsTV is closing in May and I am worried for her. She already has several job opportunities so I am sure she’ll be fine but it is hard seeing her so sad because she is usually such a positive upbeat gal. Then, to top things off, a few weeks before she found out she was losing her job she had an eye doctor appointment and he said that she has no periphial vision in her right eye and it is most likely a problem in her brain due to head trauma or cancer. I’m hoping for head trauma because at least it won’t get any worse and we already know how that was caused. If it’s cancer…oh God I don’t know what I’d do. She’s my bestfriend.

Poppop, my grandpa isn’t doing well at all. His bone cancer is tearing him apart. He used to be the toughest guy I’ve ever bet, not to mention the neatest guy. Now, he can barely walk around and his house is a mess. It’s killing me to see him like this. Sometimes I wish that he would just go because I feel like he’d be out of pain and he’d be in Heaven with my grandma. Then I feel selfish for thinking that way because a tiny part of me just doesn’t want to have to see him like this.

Friends have been an interesting issue lately. Well, one friend really. She basically told me she can’t handle being around me because I am too sad all the time. Well, my grandpa is dying and my mom is going though hell. Get the eff over it. I feel like if a “friend” can’t be there for you when you’re at your worst they they obviously aren’t your friends at all. Its a hard realization to come to but sometimes you just have to toss the negative things out in order to better yourself.

Bobby and I are really good. We’ve been together almost five years now. I love him now more than ever. Sometimes I wish that we could go back to that great happy honeymoon phase but of course as time goes on things never stay like that. He’s still a great man. He treats me better than I deserve and he loves me unconditionally.

I’m still in a bit of a funk. I need to change things in my life. Obviously my weight, my attitude, my everything. I just don’t know where to begin. Sometimes I find it really hard to get out of bed in the morning. The medication I’m not just doesn’t work like it used to. I’m seeing a hypnotherapist now so hopefully that will help me. I don’t really have anything to be miserable about. Sure, I have things to worry about but the rest of my life is good. I just need to focus on that I suppose.