What the heck am I doing?!

My check for the last two weeks was $206. Why so little? It’s not because I get paid minimum wage, it’s because I’m a big fat lazy bum. Anytime I could I avoided work or left early. I didn’t have any good reasons, I just felt like it. I walked home, laid on the couch, watched reruns of iCarly and That 70’s Show, and played Farmville. Okay so I like to relax a lot but usually I’m not THAT lazy!

Of course since I’ve been at home so much being lazy, my diet has been shot to hell. Yuck. I need to get going again.

It’s 12:27am and I should be sleeping but I know that when I fall asleep I will wake up and have to go to work. Not sleeping now is just going to make tomorrow worse because I’ll be tired. I don’t hate my job, it’s ok, I just always feel like I’d rather be doing anything else. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much lately. I really wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I don’t want to work in call centers forever, I think I’d go insane.

Life is Good

Another day off!  I know, I know, I’m a slacker.  Anyway…

I am in a great mood.  I am trying to be more and more positive lately and it really is working for a change.  Today was an uneventful day off but I feel good about it.  I woke up at 6:45 and went to WW and weighed in.  I only lost 0.4lb but again, a loss is a loss so I’m cool with it.  This week is going to be better than ever!  I’m hyped!

My Mom and sister came over for dinner.  I made “h-o-t hot boneless buffalo wing” sand “fiber-ific fried cheese sticks” from a Hungry Girl recipe from the “200 Recipes Under 200 Calories” cookbook I bought a few weeks ago.  They turned out really good and Mom stopped at our new favorite Chinese restaurant Jazmine and got their pot stickers and egg rolls.  We had a finger food dinner and it was excellent!  They have the best pot stickers at Jazmine!

After dinner we were going to watch “Dear John” but I am really hyper and I don’t feel like sitting around watching a movie.  I organized my Grandma Dee’s ceramic pig collection on my dining room shelf and dusted a bit.  I feel good about having something of hers out.  We were never very close but I do miss her.  I wish I had had the chance to get to know her better.  Thankfully I was very close to my Mom’s Mom, my Grandma Joan.  Tomorrow I am going to see my Poppop (mom’s Dad).  I think I’m going to ask him if he has anything of Grandma’s that I can have to display in my house. I have a few things that were hers but mostly just some necklaces that you can’t really display.

Back to the negativity topic..I think being less negative is really helping in a lot of aspects of my life.  Sure, I’m still negative about some things sometimes but I am trying.  Bobby and I are doing pretty good I think.  We did get into an argument the other night but that was my fault for not being more communicative.  Besides that I think we are doing really good.  I love him a lot and I am glad to be with him.  Since I’ve missed a lot of work lately (I know, I’m a bad girl) money is tight but we’re dealing with it pretty well.  I kinda get antsy once in awhile about it and I know it bugs him because it’s my own fault we are tight lol.  I just need to relax, we have money for rent, bills are paid, and we have food in the house.  Everything is good!

My life is really excellent!  I have a great man who treats me better then I ever deserve.  My Mom is my best friend and I wouldn’t replace her with anyone else.  My sister and I get along better than ever.  I have a few people I can really count on that are my friends.  I have a nice job.  My house…well my house is turning out to be freaking beautiful!  I love opening all the windows, turning on music, and just looking around at how far we’ve come.  Our old apartment started with a tiny couch we found by the trash and an itty bitty tv.  I know life isn’t all about stuff but I feel like we have come so far and our stuff is just the physical proof of that.

All I gotta say is…

You know I’d wait forever

It’s a beautiful day here in Reno,NV. Lucky for me because I got off work at 11am today and decided to walk home. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I’m beboppin down the street listening to music. I made it home only to realize that I left my house keys on the kitchen table…

Surprisingly I’m not annoyed with myself. I have the warm sunshine, a cool breeze, my Zune, and my iPhone to entertain me. I won’t be stuck much longer, my mom will be around on her lunch break with a spare key at 1:30 so I’ll only have been out here about two hours.

Speaking of my Zune, I’ve downloaded so much music that more then half of my 10,000+ songs I’ve never heard. I just now came across this great song called “Forever” by Walter Meego. I’ve listened to it about 15 times already out here lol. I think I’ll have to Google him when I get inside to see what else he’s got. The title of this blog is a line of he song, it suits me well considering my current situation lol.

Hmmm since I have the time I might as well do a diet update. Friday I weighed in with another loss of 0.6lbs. It’s not much but I’ll take it! Considering how off track I was the other week I am just happy to have any loss at all. I think that the Alli is helping a lot to suppress my appetite. However I’ve noticed on the weekends I tend to go a but crazy and eat out way too much but at least I tracked just about everything this weekend.

I am really enjoying my walks home. It’s nice and peaceful especially if I remember to bring my Zune. I’d like to take more walks but the hardest part is just gettin up and starting the walk. It’s getting easier but it’s still tough. Going back to my weight loss, I’ve only lost 4.8lbs since I started a month ago but I really am feeling better. Exercise isn’t AS hard and I feel like this is the most motivated I’ve ever been. I really think I can do this, it’s just going to take a lot of time and patience. Patience is hard for me lol.

I can’t wait to get on the road again

As I said last night, the plan was to get back on the healthy wagon today (Friday). Unfortunately, my Mom wanted to go to the Peppermill Buffett for breakfast. Not only was the meal terrible (which is surprising because Peppermill used to be excellent), but I now know that I can not go to buffetts anymore because I don’t have the self control for it. Maybe in the future but right now I should really avoid triggers like that.

Eating that terrible meal pitted me against myself for the entire day. I fell physically and emotionally crappy. I basically laid around the house all day. Around 9:30pm I finally decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and I got off my ass and went grocery shopping at Walmart.

To be honest, I don’t really like Walmart much anymore. I much prefer Target but sadly we have yet to recieve a full blown Super Duper Target that carries a full grocery section here in Reno. Anyway, I did really well shopping at Walmart. A lot more vegitables seemed to make their way into my cart then in past trips.

I decided, while on my way to the store, that I need something more to help me get going on my diet again. I know, I know, drugs are bad. Bleh! I originally planned on getting some sort of appetite supressant but ended up getting Alli.

Now I’ve taken Alli in the past but always quit because of the side affects. However, those side affects were my fault. You see, with Alli you take a pill with each meal that contains any fat. The purpose of it is to block your body from absorbing 25% of that fat. In the instructions it clearly explains that if you take Alli with a meal that contains more than 15 grams of fat you run the risk of soiling yourself. Disgusting but true. In the past I chose to just quit taking the medication so that I could enjoy my Bacon Double Cheeseburger while wearing CLEAN pants.

This time things are different. Even though I was eating terrible all week, I was still much more aware of what I was eating than in the past. Since I am not a fan of walking around with my pants full of sh*t, I think these might be helpful.

I think that anything that can help me on this journey is definately worth risking poopy pants.

Health and Wellness

This journey is never going to end.  As a matter a fact, I doubt that this journey will even get to the middle either.  I am on week 4 of my diet and I have already destroyed myself this week.  For the last 4 days I have eaten nothing but terrible things for me in excess.  I feel like crap.  Physically and emotionally.

I really feel like this is the time for me to make changes in my life.  I already feel a bit happier even though I have been depressed lately.  It’s nothing compared to the crippling depression I have felt in the past.

When I was working out last week I was really feeling good.  Sore, but it was a good kind of sore.  I was so motivated to keep going.  Even Friday morning after I weighed in and found out I lost 3lbs I was motivated. Then, I went out to eat.  A lot!  I just couldn’t get back on track.  Then I thought, ‘Hey, I’ve already screwed up this bad, I might as well keep going.’ And I’ve eaten crap for every meal since. 

I’m done.  I’m going to eat a health dinner tonight, work out, and get back on plan tomorrow.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I haven’t failed, I just hit a speed bump. 

As far as working out, I have been walking from work.  Okay well I’ve done it twice and it’s a big deal for me.  I’m looking for new things to do all the time.  I would love to get a bike and ride to and from work but that is an expense and something I don’t know if I can still do.

People talk a lot about Zumba on the weightwatchers.com message boards and I think it may be fun to take a class.  They offer one on Friday mornings in Spanish Springs but I don’t know if I can actually do it or if I would be laughed out of the class.

I keep dreaming that I become as fabulous as my mom and people will adore me for both my winning personality and my massive weight loss achievements.  Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as fabulous as her.

I’ve been reading that blog again that I talked about previously.  The girl who packed up her life and hit the road.  It sounds so relaxing and peaceful.  I wish I had her courage.  The more I think about it the more I realize I’d never be able to do it tho. I need structure in my life in order to keep me somewhat sane.

Annoyed

So the new diet life style is hard. I’ve had my bad moments but I haven’t had a single soda that wasn’t diet. An added thing to that is that I don’t like diet pop all that much so I am drinking more water.

I feel like my entire life should be overhauled. I’m almost 24 years old and I work in a dead end job in a call center. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. All I know at this point is that I want to better myself.

I want to…
Write & blog more
Take more photos
Be nicer
Become more organized
Craft more
Get healthy

Epiphanies and Shrimp Tacos

I was at work today simply reading my Cosmo (yes, that is what I do at work) when I had an epiphany.

I. Am. Fat.

Anyone who knows me is thinking, “Well, duh!”. I’ve struggled with my weight for many years. I am not a tall person and I weight more than 300lbs so needless to say I am obese. I’m not sure what brought on this specific epiphany. I decided to change my life this morning at about 9am. (after I ate my Sausage Egg McMuffin). The weirdest part is the timing.

Now, my mom has been on a great health kick as weighed almost 400lbs back in February. Today, she weighed herself at about 9am and found out she has lost a over 100lbs! (103 to be exact). I didn’t talk to my mom today until 4pm. How freaky is that? At the exact moment she has reached her first goal, I decide to change my life! When I told her this the only thing she could say is “That’s gotta be a God thing.” and I really have to agree with her.

I pray to God that this is it. That this is the final time I decide to change my life and I just do it. Not only do I need to do it for me and my health but for my boyfriend who deserves to have that beautiful (slightly overweight) girl he fell in love with back.

At lunch time we went to Port of Subs. Normally Cari and I would get out usual medium turkey, smoked cheddar, and bacon on white. Today, while Cari go the usual, I had a small turkey, pickles, and lettuce, on wheat. With light mayo and mustard. Now, many of you may not understand the significance of the slight change but I do not have will power. I have told myself a hundred time that “I’m only going to have once slice of pizza” and instead eaten half the pie. This is a BIG change.

Nextly, on my last break at work they had pizza in the break room. Normally I’d saunter in and grab a slice. The second I saw the boxes I turned my butt around and sat in the hallway on my break. It’s pathetic but I am so proud of myself for that.

Tonight the coworkers and I are going to BJ’s Brewhouse for dinner. Usually I’d go and just order the tasteyest sounding thing on the menu. Today, I have researched the restaurant online and decided to have the grilled shrimp tacos which are only 340 calories. I’ll let you know how I do tonight. Wish me luck.