Emo Girl

It’s hard to say how I’ve been feeling lately.  There are so many emotions running through me.  Sadness, excitement, fear, happiness, worry…you name it and I think I’ve felt it in the last month.

The house in Grass Valley has sold.  It is sad to think of someone else living in it.  My grandparents bought it while it was still being built so they are the only people who have ever resided in it  It’s also exciting because my mom gets to buy a new house and Bobby and I get to move.  I’m not really looking forward to moving, nor do I want to live in house in Sun Valley, but I am excited about the prospect of being able to paint and do whatever we want to the place.  I’ve already started planning what colors I want to paint everything.  I need to start shopping for ceiling fans for the offices and accessories for the living room.

As of today my surgery is a week away.  I am excited and scared.  That’s all I really have to say about that.

I’m trying to make myself into a more positive person.  I’ve started a “Book of Inspiring Things” I which I just add anything that makes me smile.  I’ve added quotes, photos, and magazine cut outs thus far.  I am also using it to be a bit creative.  I pulled out some water colors and crayons the other day which is a bit silly sounding but was actually quite relaxing.

I’ve decided to change my major once again. Bobby has been suggesting Graphic Design to me for a long time and I didn’t think it’d be good for me.  I’ve thought about it a lot more lately and realize how right Bobby really is.  I thought I really wanted to do web design but I realized that I enjoyed making the graphics and whatnot more than the coding.  I hated coding.  Not to mention this stupid CIT class I am taking is making me see how difficult it really would be for me.  I looked over the classes I would need to take and I am actually getting excited!  My mom of course is worried I’ll never find a real job with it but I think I’d be miserable if I continue to pursue Information Technology.  The only reason I am even going to school is so that I can eventually get a job that I won’t hate.

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Black Holes and Revelations

The list was going very well until yesterday (2/7). I heard some upsetting news and I let it get to me so I gave in and drank an orange soda and didn’t work out at all. I know it seems petty but I had been on a small roll for a few days and I just wasted it. Every time I do something like that it turns into a landslide of bad behavior. Proof today is the fact that I drank the rest of my orange soda from yesterday and didn’t work out. I fall into a black hole and can never seem to get myself out. It’s so frustrating because I know that the only thing stopping me from succeeding is myself. How can I sabotage my self?

The upsetting news I received yesterday brought me to a revelation. I can choose not to be angry and upset. People have been telling me this for years but I honestly didn’t think it held any water. I have always, and I mean always, let my emotions control me. Obviously that can have some serious consequences.

What lead to this revelation was a rumor at work that has been floating around. I heard someone was getting a promotion and I disagree with the decision (there are several better candidates, including myself). As soon as I found out, I let it get to me. I was in a great mood and then suddenly I was fuming. The stupid thing is that this is just a rumor floating around. Why on earth did I let seething that isn’t even a fact yet affect me this way? It’s like I’m allowing cancer into my body willingly. I put the negative things/energy inside me and they eat away at me. I suppose that is true for a lot of things I do but I’m getting off topic…anyway…

This morning I knew if I even thought about the situation I would be upset all day. So, driving to work, I plastered the stupidest smile on my face and didn’t stop smiling until I sat down at my desk. Why? Because I read somewhere that when you smile it releases endorphins that put you in a good mood. All day long when those angry feelings crept up I just pushed them down with a grin. I couldn’t believe how wonderfully this technique worked for me! It was amazing how great my mood was…and then it crept in and I couldn’t stop it. I was working on some new earring designs and sharing them with some people and getting lovely compliments and when asked how much I was selling them for I was told it was too much. I felt like they were telling me I wasn’t good enough. It just shut down my good mood. It’s ridiculous because I agreed with them! It was too much lol I have no idea why I let it get to me. They weren’t insulting me, they were being honest like I asked. I’m %100 in agreement with them and not upset at all anymore but man, I just cracked when they said that. My emotions surfaced and I let them control me again.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I think I need to make sure I read my list daily so I remember what I am trying to accomplish.