It’s hard to say how I’ve been feeling lately. There are so many emotions running through me. Sadness, excitement, fear, happiness, worry…you name it and I think I’ve felt it in the last month.
The house in Grass Valley has sold. It is sad to think of someone else living in it. My grandparents bought it while it was still being built so they are the only people who have ever resided in it It’s also exciting because my mom gets to buy a new house and Bobby and I get to move. I’m not really looking forward to moving, nor do I want to live in house in Sun Valley, but I am excited about the prospect of being able to paint and do whatever we want to the place. I’ve already started planning what colors I want to paint everything. I need to start shopping for ceiling fans for the offices and accessories for the living room.
As of today my surgery is a week away. I am excited and scared. That’s all I really have to say about that.
I’m trying to make myself into a more positive person. I’ve started a “Book of Inspiring Things” I which I just add anything that makes me smile. I’ve added quotes, photos, and magazine cut outs thus far. I am also using it to be a bit creative. I pulled out some water colors and crayons the other day which is a bit silly sounding but was actually quite relaxing.
I’ve decided to change my major once again. Bobby has been suggesting Graphic Design to me for a long time and I didn’t think it’d be good for me. I’ve thought about it a lot more lately and realize how right Bobby really is. I thought I really wanted to do web design but I realized that I enjoyed making the graphics and whatnot more than the coding. I hated coding. Not to mention this stupid CIT class I am taking is making me see how difficult it really would be for me. I looked over the classes I would need to take and I am actually getting excited! My mom of course is worried I’ll never find a real job with it but I think I’d be miserable if I continue to pursue Information Technology. The only reason I am even going to school is so that I can eventually get a job that I won’t hate.
My name is Amber Nichole. My mom named me Amber because she thought it was unique and original; little did she know so did everyone else who had a baby girl in 1985. My mom made the mistake of letting my dad choose my middle name. I love my middle name but the story behind it is slightly blue. He chose it from a “Men’s Magazine” if-you-know-what-I-mean. He said he “picked the prettiest girl” in the magazine. Thankfully I wasn’t a boy because my mom said my dad would have gotten to name me and his chosen name for a son would have been Thunder Dude. I really lucked out on that one.
I like my name. Over the years I have met several Ambers born around the same time as I was, and several of them had the same middle name as well which always surprises me. Sometimes I don’t feel like an Amber but I couldn’t tell you what name would fit me better. The name Amber means sky in Hindi, is a golden color, and the name for fossilized tree sap. I’ve known all these things for many years and they all kind of bore me. I always wanted a cool name that meant something like “Goddess of the world” or “Fiery beauty”. Since the name Amber never really felt special or original to me I have worked hard to be unique in my own way. I’m not the most distinctive Amber I know, but I’m me and I think that my name has a lot to do with that. In my experience meeting many different Ambers over the years, a good majority of them are bitchy. Since I don’t want to be singled out as a bitch myself, I have also made an effort not to be like them, most of the time successfully.
*written for my EPY class*
I’ve been looking at DeviantArt again and I’d really like to get interested into photography again. I kind of wish I could just take a photography class but that is so expensive. I could get college credit for it but I don’t know if my grandpa would like paying for it just because I want to take photography. When I was going to take it originally it was okay because I was talking other classes at the same time. I just looked at the class scheudle for Fall 2010 and there is a class on Fridays from 9am till 1:30pm which would be perfect because I am off on Fridays and I could take Bobby to work and then go to class.
I feel like I need to start doing something. I think this would be a good start. I honestly have no idea what my grandpa would say if I told him I wanted to just take a photography class. In high school photography was my favorite class and I was really good at it but as I got older I just didn’t continue with it because I didn’t have the money to pay to develop film and by the time I got a decent digital camera I lose my oompf for it. I think it would be amazing to become a professional photographer. However, I’m sure that everyone important to me would think it was ridiculous. I’ve always loved photography but I know I’m not any good at it anymore.
*sigh* I guess I should stop my self loathing and just get over it. I think I’ll just ask my mom and see what she thinks about me asking my grandpa to pay for a photography class.
Wish me luck.